im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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