he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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