im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
