Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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