On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
