she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
