My friends, they love my intelligence
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
