Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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