There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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