the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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