Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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