They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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