facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
