can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
