I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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