i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
