I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
