when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
