Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
