im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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