Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
