I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
