I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just invented taco cereal.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
