party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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