They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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