Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
