I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
