for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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