Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
