I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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