$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
