so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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