I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
