He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The struggles of a small town man whore
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
