Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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