You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
