Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
