i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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