dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
