The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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