well I can't set my house on fire every night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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