I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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