i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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