Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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