are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
