the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
