What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
