you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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