i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
