Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just high enough for therapy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
