just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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