Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
