and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
